Horoscopes
[ Issue 48 ]

Horoscopes greatly amuse Emily Brono

Please let Bikwil subject you to the inanity of Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Fizzgig has committed himself to a few dates with destiny.  Maybe he should have just committed himself, since his first appointment is scheduled for July next with none other than Our Ladies Man.  And that can only mean trouble on a cosmological scale.
 

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From the Back Verandah — Fizzgig

Copyright


I introduced Our Ladies’ Man to you nearly six years ago. (Propitiously, it was in Issue 13, May 1999). For those of you too young to remember, OLM claimed to be a reincarnation of Nostradamus and demonstrated it with visionary gems like this:

Armageddon will chastise their titanic frenzy, but not before the centurial microbe devours the edge of time.

Not long after that column was published, OLM vanished in a flash of auto-combustive energy and hasn’t been seen or heard of since. Till last Thursday, that is, when I tripped over him in a storm-water channel. He describes his absence (in the age-old flapdoodling style of the true clairvoyant) as “a cleansing pilgrimage into the dark neverland of unprediction”.

And now tells me that he wants to send me more divination, this time in the form of readings from the stars. When I put the idea to the editor, his immediate verdict, announced with some force, that horoscopes will make no more than an sporadic appearance in this column — if even that. In the end we compromised: if the planetary alignments are favourable he’ll allow something by OLM each July. “With any luck we will have collided with Mars before the first horoscope appears.”

Unlike other soothsayers, OLM will be reading two zodiacal signs and laying out the future for readers who believe his words apply to them. Whew! At this rate, we should get through the twelve in six years’ time.

And what are these twelve? Well, OLM won’t disclose which months each applies to, but he is willing to give you foreknowledge of their names and the planets influencing them. (According to OLM, the three marked * are “fixed signs”, a fact that should bring great cosmic joy to us all.)

Sign

Sheba
Mandrake
Fitz
Panto
Barbarossa
Cyclops *
Amnesia
Protocol
Zeugma *
Rumpo
Hogen Mogen
Übermensch *

Planet

Lorgnette
Ossian
Doppler
Babbage
Heliotrope
Pickwick
Flexagon
Pinchgut
Ludd
Ellipticon
Grundy
Malaprop

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