An Unsolicited Testimonial
[ Issue 7 ]

This Unsolicited Testimonial really turns Emily Bronto on

Bikwil will always sing the praises of this Unsolicited Testimonial

An Unsolicited Testimonial

Someone with nerve enough to call himself Olivier de Cologne is behind this unsolicited testimonial.  It purports to be a first birthday wish to Bikwil, but something about it doesn't smell quite right.

Let me tell you without equivocation that your newsletter stinks through and through

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An Unsolicited Testimonial — Olivier de Cologne


Over the past few months I have been soaking up your newsletter’s contents with loving care and attention, and let me tell you without equivocation that it stinks through and through.

It would be ridiculous to assert however, that the news is all grim. At least one can say that the smell does at least vary from issue to issue.

In issue two, for instance, I can vaguely detect the stench of diseased crayfish, while two issues later I am vividly reminded of the putrid piquancy of the catastrophic compost heap my grandfather kept, unaerated, during his seven-year sojourn in good old Nyasaland.

Number five deserves to become internationally famous; it positively (and breathtakingly) reeks of Danish cheese in a Paris sewer. Number six, on the other hand, is a grievous disappointment and will probably be better quickly forgotten. The best it can do seems to be a feeble aroma of burning flesh.

For a unique olfactory experience, however, I cannot too highly recommend issue three. What a loathsome mixture! Never in my born days have I come across such a subtle combination of so many evil-smelling effluvia. From every line there emanates a continuous trail of foully odoriferous words and phrases, not even as little as two percent of which any proboscis in the known universe could ever otherwise be expected to get a whiff of in a lifetime.

Yet in all honesty I am obliged to confess that many of these bouquets eluded me for several days, and a couple of the more exotic scents for the best part of a month. Nonetheless, it pleases me to announce that by dint of painstaking research into dozens of Babylonian perfume catalogues, and thanks to an almost superhuman effort of nasal imagination, those mysterious odours are now at last identified and recorded for the nostril of a hopefully grateful fragrance-conscious posterity. All will be revealed in my shortly-to-be-published in-your-face dissertation Noses and What Gets up Them.

Meanwhile, Bikwil, happy first birthday!

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