Ah, Me Mum
[ Issue 7 ]

Ah, Me Mum delights Emily Bronto

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Ah, Me Mum

Lavinia Godfrey and her mother take a trip from rural Cootamundra to "to see the lights of Sydney Town", with mixed results.  "Ah, Me Mum".

So she hit him with her hefty bag

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Ah Me Mum! Lavinia Godfrey

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We went up to Sydney town,
Me Ma, me son & me,
To see the lights of Sydney Town
Familiar to son & me.

But me Mum had other notions
& was, & had taken all her potions
For a city filled with EVIL
But she longed to see it so!

So we took her well intended
To an old Manly Pub extended
With toots and baths and showers
And the beach across the road!

The night waves truly woke her
And she swore some bloody joker
Was pulling all the ground around
As the heaving swells did break!

Oh she put her toe into it
And was worried when she knew it
That the Ocean swept away
Her footage on the sand!

So son and I just held her,
And she laughed and joined right in!
Loving the sea waves crashing
Till one caught her on the chin!

Soaked and wet and laughing
We washed our feet in passing
At the old tap on the walk
So many people knew!

But she was sure it was intended
That from such a thing extended
She'd get tinea or AIDS,
Or germs of so and so!

Next day, son took her into Town,
Across the ferry treat!
I had given him instructions
On routes and buses' functions, and how

to get the Red Bus to save me Mother's feet!
Of course he all ignored it & Mother had to walk it
Up Pitt Street at Lunchtime &
Oh me Mother! She's no cow!

She WOULD look in all the windows
& bugger where intended all the others ended
'Cause she was not familiar with City life or
Pedestrian traffic flow.

She'd gone to buy a dress of fancy City stuff
And ended up by telling City Lunch crowds,
"Enough's a bloody 'nuff."
"You look like swarms of SHEEP!"

"All to left & right to right don't shove me like that!"
So she hit him with her hefty bag Poor son had given up!
His Nan was barely seven stone
But sights of City seen,

She couldn't believe that Aussies
Could be so doggone mean!
Son hastened her to the great shops of dresses plenty,
& After 700 she reckoned they was made up for a FANCY!

But back to the pub asplendid
She came with arms extended, full of oysters
And prawns and breads all from down the road!
So as we all did eat it me Mother kept us "up"

with Tales of City Woe,
"Ignorant as SHEEP!" she cried.
& for the rest of week thereafter, me mother was the martyr
Of all the Manly's shops, & to no more PITT ST. would she go!

Sure she loved the Manly Ferry
& rode back & forth, for four days in a row,
Son was patient, but suspended and rode with her every go!
I think just to be certain she didn't go back

to the City's to and fro!
And for me all I intended, was to get some sleep
And sun and surf and sand
Till he bought her home safe & hand in hand!

She tried on shoes & fancy clothes at all of
Manly's great Bazaars!
So shopped & definitely gotten fat,
A full week later we came back, with nothin' but a Hat!

First we stopped at my friend Ellie's
& had lovely cheese & fruit, of Blue cheeses bestest Toffs!
Still Mother had to natter (later!)
That the cheese looked totally & absolutely off!

So dogged & passed by angry truckies
Runnin' it in convoys of 12 by 44
Me darlin' Mother talked me home
Some 250 miles or more!

Till just about at Binalong,
Well she just had to go!
& forty lots of truckies near the Church
Saw me Mum's knickers white as snow!

Son had slept all through it
I'm sure he saw his doom
Until we reached my Crossroad
& again me Mum did boom!

Not ANOTHER of those bastards!
Another truckie, yes for sure!
And I don't think ANY of us breathed
Till me key was in the door!

Now generally me Mum is gentle &
You'd never hear her swear
But mention visit Manly &
Gents! Just hit the floor!

So all way up and all way down
The town of Cootamundra
You can talk all you like
Of City Life Up Under.

But Mother says it just ain't safe
With all those mad truckies passin',
Then she'll tell ya blow for blow
Of roads too small for passin',

& top it up with yarns of trains de-railed as well
& for all these feats you'd NEVER
Go again or leave a Country Town
So forget Forever tryin' to show me Ma around!

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